I used to hate myself and my body and I was totally alienated to my sex.
I’m pretty much raised alone with my dad and I didn’t have any close female role models around me, until I grew up and moved from the countryside to the capital of Denmark, Copenhagen. My parents got divorced when I was a little girl and both my mother and big sister lived far away from me, most of my life. It naturally made me a tomboy for the better and worse.
Being a tomboy gave me the strength to show off, provoke and riot, for fun, as well as out of insecurity, anger and sorrow.
The negative behavior of mine especially came from all the girls and woman through my life, that I felt, tried to dictate me and change me to be a ”real” girl/woman (whatever that is) or a good, political correct, sometimes holy one. But looking down on most females also made me look down on my own sex and myself in general, and made me afraid/phobic to everything feminine which very sadly (and logically) made me attract boys, love interests and boyfriends, who were looking down on the female sex and the feminine too.
A few times when I tried to stand up feminine and diva-like I couldn’t handle the rejection and disrespect from the guys I attracted, who charmed them self into my heart and panties, when they had got what they wanted, and it wasn’t me, just a piece of me. I began to think that it was because they saw me as a bimbo, the kind of girls I used to look down at with my tomboy friends and the guys from our clique as a teenager. I began to act and look more boyish again hiding my body and turning down my make up. Sometimes I even forbid myself to wear make up. But the men I attracted kept on disrespecting me and I didn’t realize that it was very likely, because of my own insecurity and disrespect towards myself and my sex, still.
But my anger brought me good things too. I became more wild and outgoing. Sometimes I didn’t shave my armpits and legs and I showed that off in dresses or tank-tops and sweatpants out partying, drinking and dancing with my female friends or slam dancing at punk rock concerts.
Once I made my first spoken word performance combined with burlesque strip, after a female friend offered me a performance at her event, I got my first contacts to the world that I’m in and love today. It made me more daring and brave in my lyrical performances, as I began acting with body performance art at fetish/BDSM-parties, plus a fetish video art-project I was a part of on the side. I got a lot of positive response that made me realize how worthy and beautiful I had been all the time, I was just afraid to seek new places with open minded people, especially since I had to do it pretty much on my own, since I didn’t knew anybody who wanted to explore the same things as I felt an eager to.
One day I was performing spoken word at a underground club in Copenhagen, I met a very beautiful and outstanding woman, almost twice my age who worked as a professional dominatrix. She recognized the hidden and blooming sadomasochist in my lyrics and after my show she asked me very directly: ”Are you into SM?”. I was very amazed, since she was the first to ask me that and I answered ”Yes”. We had a great talk and fun, and later on in our friendship she offered me the opportunity to work with her as an assistant in some of her dominatrix sessions. That made me develop with-the-speed-of-life fast and I got a feeling of healing through those experiences. She as the first dominatrix I’ve met and a very close friend all in one made her one of my most influential female role models who really helped me become proud of myself as a woman. She was there for me in very difficult times, she learned me how to catwalk, and one of my first bondage photo-shoots was also through her. I can thank her for way more than a lot.
I will try never to forget to try something new. And I will do my best to develop personally and professionally to the end of my days, and hope for everyone to do the same, to become better and happier individuals to them self as well as to others, and follow their dreams.
Kinky Patisserie Performance, Manifest, 2015
Manifest Fetish Fashion Party 2016
Catwalking for Peter Domenie Boutique Berlin